I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
