You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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