I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
