I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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