I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
