I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She's just so happy...and so naked.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
