she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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