I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Randomize
