Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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