Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
