I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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