Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
