"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
