i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
