like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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