How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
