I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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