i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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