are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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