the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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