i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
