I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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