is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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