I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
