I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
