we should wear snuggies to the strip club
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
