Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
