listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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