I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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