don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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