sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
