I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
