I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
