god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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