STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
