there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
