I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
