Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
