I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
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