I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
