I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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