No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
