EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
