if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
