areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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