I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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