chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the condom got lost in my hair
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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