i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
