Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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