Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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